Confession #1: I
do not like being judged.
Confession #2: Being the center of attention/being
watched kind of freaks me out a little.
Confession #3: I have and still do at times fear success.
Whew! I said it! Now with that being said, I have come to
realize that I have been blessed with gifts and talents that will and have put
me in those three categories often; the gifts being my love of writing poetry
and music. I remember growing up and people; family included would always tell
me to shut up. If I had a question, people would out talk me. When I had a
comment, the volume of conversations got louder, or people would say. “You
don’t know what you’re talking about;” or my personal favorite, “girl you ain’t
talking about nothing.” The fire that
was burning inside was slowly being put out. The confidence that was naturally
there was diminishing with every negative word shot my way and yet I picked up
a pen, grabbed some paper and began to write. Fast forward 10+ years and now
you have me reciting the very words that no one cared to hear about when they
were truly relevant to me. Funny thing I’m learning about poetry, songs and
words in general is regardless of the time they were written, if it is real,
true and coming from the heart, it will bring life and remain relevant to
whomever, whenever it is heard or read.
I started sharing my poetry as a joke really. I have to
remember the saying that everything happens for a reason. A friend of mine
says, “There are no coincidences in life.” So maybe the joke/fluke was a setup.
There was a contest at church, I entered, read the piece, performed and won.
There was little positive feedback and a mountain of negative comments. One
contest turned into two. Then someone asked me to write something and read it
at their program. My uneasiness intact, I obliged. I hated being in the front
of the room, I feel like my words are personal and an extension of me;
therefore if I become transparent enough to share and the reception is anything
less than genuinely positive (you can feel fake encouragement/accolades), then
I would be crushed. Because you see I took rejecting my words as rejecting me.
These random requests helped rebuild my confidence and fed my desire to write.
I still didn’t like being the center of attention, which performing feels like.
I still didn’t like being and feeling judged, and success seemed so big that it
was still scary. The alternative to consistently granting these request for me
would have been to continue to be silenced, stifling my growth as a writer and
a person, and not fulfilling the one purpose I know that is mine which is to
encourage others, to let them know they are not alone and are loved, and they
can and will make it.
The turning point to me using and sharing my love of
poetry, music and writing came about 4 years ago. I was helping some friends
start their church Living Oasis. This wasn’t a traditional church either. The
services started at 2:30pm, most of the things done in a Sunday morning
services did not exist and there was freedom to serve, praise, and worship God
like no other. Well there was a section of the service called,”Oasis on Tap.”
The founders wanted the people to be able to express themselves and truly use
the gifts God had given them, that may not particularly be recognized in the
traditional church. Once again I was asked to prepare to recite some poetry,
which I did. Word travels fast! This snowballed into me being asked to write
for specific occasions at my church since we were considered sister churches.
Well I was missing my brother one day and literally sat and wrote a rap in like
20 minutes. That was his and my connection when he was living, rap. I decided
to try it out at “Oasis on Tap.” I was scared, nervous, excited, and had
adrenaline shooting all over my body. And to my surprise it was received well!
So much so that the praise team hemmed me up so many times I stopped counting
to remix church songs by adding raps to them. It was fun and quite the
experience. This helped me to see that not all people take the gifts, me, or
opportunities for granted. This was the breeding ground for what I am presently
embarking on.
What am I embarking on you ask? I’m glad you did! OPEN
MIC NIGHTS!!! Whenever I watched Love Jones or Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family
Reunion, I would get so wrapped up in the open mic night scenes. I would wish I
could do that. Or say it would be nice, but I was intimidated by the potential
response always thinking the negative would outweigh the positive. I met a
young lady about a year ago who is a poet. She asked me several times to
perform at an event called First Fridays. I said I would think about it,
declined a few times and finally I said yes. Unfortunately unforeseen issues
such as scheduling conflicts and transportation issues caused me to cancel. The
opportunity presented itself again, which I took as a sign that I needed to
step out there and go for it. I mean I was curious, had only been to one open
mic in Memphis, I wanted to do it but was scared so I bit the bullet and in
April performed in my first open mic night at First Friday! Talk about a rush
of emotions! There were nerves, excitement, and a sense of accomplishment,
among other things and then I was well received. I recited a piece called Day 8
and it was one of my most vulnerable, yet creative pieces. Following First
Friday a few months later I met someone who would totally open my eyes to the
possibility of me doing more poetry out in public, in Memphis and not just in
church. In his words, “performing is the easy part, writing is what’s difficult
and you write well.” We are going to just see differently on that one. I am
currently falling in love with poetry and all it brings all over again. I love
seeing the different styles of poetry, spoken word, and the singers. The topics
and content on which we all have to share is numerous. There is room for everyone;
we just have to give it. I have performed three times and each time it’s more
exciting, I am a little more relaxed. I still have the nerves, but the people
are receiving what I have to say. The feedback I’ve gotten from a few people I
am taking it. I wouldn’t call it ironic, but those same people; family included
who didn’t want to hear what I had to say then, now have their ears open and
give props where they are due. Dare I call that “poetic justice?!”
My confessions at the beginning of this blog are true. I
have learned that acceptance from others will come when you accept yourself
first. I accept my imperfections, my flaws, and know I won’t always be right
and someone might not like what they hear. But I must continue to move past the
uneasiness and the fear, because my purpose and my love of writing poetry and
music are bigger than the fear of rejection and judgment. My perception of
success has changed; therefore there’s nothing to be afraid of. If one person
is helped by the words I write and speak, I am successful. Success has less to
do with money and material things and more to do with intangible results. I think as long as I keep God first, strive to
be the best me I can be, and continue to perfect my craft my confessions won’t
be a hindrance, but a springboard for greater things to come. No one is an
island; we cannot go through life alone without any help or assistance. The
things I write about are a testament to that. Life is about being on one accord,
working together to lift each other up and not tear them down. It is my prayer
that anyone who hears a poem or song I write will go away feeling and knowing
that.
Simply Golden
Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment. Shout out to
Urban Thoughts a great writer/blogger, and awesome poet and spoken word artist.
You are appreciated. Check out his blog at www.urbanblackthoughts.blogspot.com
